People who don't use Deodorant should be Outlawed, With Apologies to Julia Roberts

   Dear Sir or Madam. As a daily train commuter with quite a bit of tenure, I feel that I have the right to enjoy as pleasant a journey as possible on your trains. For some reason kept to yourselves you seem to think otherwise. Though I have written several letters to the Train Board,  you have yet to agree to my simple request of being able to chose whom I sit next to. How inconsiderate is that? It's not as if  I'm asking to be seated next to supermodels every  Monday, once in a while would be fine. What really annoys me is  finding myself cramped next to a 400 lb middle-aged man   who has yet to discover the wonders of deodorant. That also goes for the fiftyish woman in the hippy costume who twice a week  comes to the conclusion that the only available seat on the train is next to mine. She may believe that what's good enough for Julia Roberts is fine for her too. Yes, well if she looked anything like Julia Roberts in the first place I doubt if we would have been having this conversation.
   There's only one thing worse that I can think of  than the overweight deodorant lacking slob, and that of course is the overweight deodorant lacking slob who snores. The train I take every morning is a suburban express (please stop laughing, I know you have nicknamed it  the city crawl). The premise behind the suburban express is that it is not a sleeper. The carriage designer specifically intended it for the use of commuters. Therefore I find it totally unacceptable that a 400lb man with smelly armpits and musical nostrils  be allowed to fall asleep on my shoulder and make my life miserable.
   Now that I have got your attention I would also like to add that the  fact that the air-condition only works during the Winter months has not gone unnoticed. As you can see from the letterhead, I am writing this letter from the emergency ward where I am being treated for frostbite.
   Yours Sincerely
   Steve Taite
P.S. If t would not be too much trouble, please send me a refund for the monthly train ticket I only just purchased. The doctors tell me it is unlikely I will be commuting for the next month or so.

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