When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!)

Once upon a time people actually put thought into their insults.
The following are  from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

  "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork " - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

  "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Shop Till You Drop

Shop Till You Drop

She never wears the same skirt twice

She lives on diet coke.

She's the crowned queen of the shopping mall

Who doesn't see it as a joke.

On payday morn she wakes at dawn

She's not like other folk.

By 6 P.M. she's shopped and shopped

Once again she's truly broke.

Her fridge s quite a no mans land

While she overflows in shoes.

If clothes contained more vitamins

She'd be as perky as Tom Cruise.

They tell her it's obsessive

Just like cigarettes and booze.

Maybe they're right, 'cause on shopless nights

She comes down with the blues.

Trendy Tina, Reckless Rita,

Fashion Freak Fionna.

They never drink the local beer
But will settle for Corona.
They shop in pairs like hungry bears
It's rare to see a loner.
Their wardrobe's full of garments new
Abandoned by their owner.

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Western Spaghetti

This is what the true glory of Youtube is about. Stop Motion at its best.



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Job Interview Nightmare

It was recruiting time at the office again. Larry had conveniently come down with some kind of rare nameless virus and the chore was again left to me - for the fourth year running. We were in the market for a Java programmer and  an Analyst but judging from the resumes and interview minutes, we could easily have been recruiting for a 3 ring circus.
Here are some of the feedback I got.

General
Marital status: often. Children: various.”
Sex: occasionally
Emergency Contact Number:  “911
Email Address: pornstardelight@*****.com

Experience
1990 – 1997: Stewardess  with Air force Troops in Iraq
2001  Voluntary summer work  taking care of the elderly and vegetable people
 2005 - 2007 worked  as a blackjack and baccarat dealer
Responsibilities
checking customers out.
cashing employees’ paychecks.
cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers
References
Have enclosed a signed letter from his mother.

Avatar II Auditions: The Revenge of the Canines

It was inevitable. After the success of the first movie the web was full of rumors and speculations regarding the sequel (obviously the first of many). Mini (my wonderdog) had already got a head start on me. It's easy for her, she doesn't have to hold down a day job and commute every morning and evening. She is entitled to  free bed and board  and can sleep all day if she choses, which she does after she has conscientiously woken me at 6:30 AM even on a Saturday. So, needless to say, she has plenty of time to surf and was first to find the site announcing the auditions for the Avatar sequel. To my surprise they were casting dogs for the second movie and the announcement hinted that the story called for a revolt of house pets who believed they were entitled to equal rights.

   The idea that Mini could finally start earning her keep started appealing to me, and lets face it, it was her idea, let her deal with the consequences. The blue tan necessary for the part was the easy part. I filled a bath full of blue dye with meat leftovers and she was instantly a Navi warrior dog supreme. Getting her to wear the armour was a different story and I bear the wounds to prove it (my doctor was sure I had been attacked by a Rottweiler). After she had done her damage and I had returned home with 17 stitches, Mini was quite happy to escort me to the auditions.

Worst Dressed at the Oscars

The Oscars are famous for mediocre movies, overlong ceremonies, corny jokes and lavish parties. But symbolizes the Oscars  more than anything are the outlandish outfits that the celebrities wear in order you get there pictures published in the media.
Here are my winners for the Oscar category :  

Whoopi Goldberg  wearing a selection designed by I Don't Give a Damn Salon for the Ugly

Cameron and Renee showing

that it's fine to wear the bedroom sheets to the ball

Two Celebs who decide to show all

Confessions in a Bottle: A Plead from the Home

A plead from the home

Please help me. I am a Japanese Baguette baker and have been kidnapped by the men in white. I am being held in a house of elderly CIA agents disguised as old age pensioners. No one is really listening to me but I have it on good authority (Jack the undercover MI5 agent dressed as a cleaner) that I have a ransom of 10 million dollars on my head.
If you find this bottle before 2020, please see to the ransom. I have hidden my life savings, approximately 17 ½ million dollars in a saki pitcher at the back of the Japanese restaurant See U Soon in Manhattan on the corner of Fifth Ave and 43nd street. You may need the extra money for your flight to the U.S. And the bribe at customs so be my guest.

Akiko Juan Landsman

P.S. If it is not too much trouble could you also bring a double big mac and super size fries. The food here is terrible. Oh and Jack wants a kids meals.

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The Taite Guide to Celebrity Trash Cans

Celebrity Trash Cans

We sent the Tate Gallery roving reporter around the globe to delve into the trash cans of the rich and famous. Here is what he found.

Madonna - Unread paperback copy of Sex in the City

Sharon Stone - Bestselling novel How to become rich and famous without getting out of Bed 

Jennifer Aniston - Angelina Jolie voodoo doll with detached head.
 Jay Leno - Conan O' Brian voodoo doll with detached hair
Conan O'Brian - live Jay Leno complete with damaged sportscar

Leonardo Di Caprio - first edition copy of  100 Excuses for not Taking your Girlfriend to the Oscars.

Tom Cruise - Mad Men seasons 1 and 2 plus 92 back issues of Mad Magazine.

Bruce Willis - complete DVD collection of the first five seasons of The Bald and the Beautiful

Simon Cowell - copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People (still in wrapper)

Amy Winehouse - London Pub Guide, Dublin Pub Guide, Edinburgh Pub Guide,  Amsterdam Bar Guide,  AAA Rehab Guide

Jessica Simpson - The Sea Fish Industry annotated guide on distinguishing  between  Tuna fish and Chicken

Ellen DeGeneres - 24 rejected applications to appear in Dancing  with the Stars.

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Confessions in a Bottle: The Budgie

The Budgie

My parents bot me a yella budgie rigar for Christmas. She has red stripes on her back and I call her Polly. I donna why they bot me this budgie but it is verry fritening and it is hard for me to fall asleep at nite. My best frend Daniel from preskool, with who I play docter and all sorts of fun games, promised to help me. Last week Daniel took out the tube of crazy gloo from my dad's draw and fed it to Polly. It was reely funny as Polly jumped up and down and then fell over in her cage and didn't get up aggen. Daniel said he had dedded her and for once I slept well.
   Next day when I came back from preschool I found out that Danny was wrong because Polly was flying around in her cage aggen but now she had orange stripes on her back insted of red ones. When I asked Mummy, she sed that Polly had bin rezurrekted. 
   In the next too wicks Danny came over to play many times and eech time he dedded Polly, but Polly was always rezurrekted. Polly's no longer yella now at all - she's bloo and Daniel says that she must have had a hoppo ration as she is now a Peter.

Mary

Pee Es. I'm leaving my confess shone in my chock-milk carton behind the swing at preskool. If you find it please pass it on to God. He'll no wot to do with it.

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Ron Mueck: Sculpture Magic

Ron Mueck (born 1958) is an Australian hyperrealist sculptor working in the United Kingdom. His sculptures faithfully reproduce the minute detail of the human body, but play with scale to produce disconcertingly jarring visual images. His first breakthrough was when he began work on special effects for such films as the 1986 fantasy "Labyrinth" that starred David Bowie.Muek then started his own company in London, making models to be photographed for advertisements.

Eventually Mueck  turned to fine art and sculpture. In the early 1990s, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more precise. Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and inquired as to the nice, pink stuff’s nature. Fiberglass resin was the answer, and Mueck has used it ever since.
His participation  in te exhinit Sensation: Works at the Saatchi Gallery brought him recognition, and snce posted shows at major galleries in New York, Germany, not to mention the selection for the London Millenium Dome where his five metre high sculpture Boy 1999 was a featured.

The Taite Guide to English Phrases

The English language is full of historic phrases that you use every day without knowing where their came from. Want to know the origins of One Last Drink, One for the Road, On the Wagon, It's Raining Cats and Dogs, Saved by the Bell and Dead Ringer?
Do you know why the Irish hold a Wake? Why June is the favorite month to get married in?  Read on.

confessions in a bottle

1:The Beginning


I was sitting innocently on the beach, minding my own business when a huge wave slung this bottle at me. Luckily it was a plastic  coke bottle  and not a discarded wine bottle, which could easily have broken my nose. From inside I extracted  the following message.

My name is unimportant, you can call me Marion, no wait make that Rhiannon. If I get my choice it may as well be something sexy. I live in a apartment building in New Jersey, Manhattan, but am presently sitting on a beach on a not so deserted island, bored to death. The brochures promised exotic hunks serving pineapple cocktails in front of gorgeous sunsets. Right! The rain started the minute I got off the plane and hasn't stopped since. As for the hunks, the only male under the age of 60 is Emmanuel and he's gay. Yes I know my Aunt Sadie claims there is no such thing as a gay man who can't be fixed if he meets the right girl.  Well I tried my best to turn him but he wasn't having any. Actually he was having too much judging from the smile on Antonio  the bartender's  face.

I am desperately in need of a heterosexual member of the opposite sex, under the age of forty forty-five to prove to my Aunt Sadie that I am not destined to a celibate life. So if you answer to this description, even partially, drop over to my hotel, it's about three hundred yards North of you, along the beach, and ask for... just look for the girl with the pile of empty Coke bottles at her feet.

R

P.S. It is not necessary to return the bottle, I have plenty more.

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The Taite Guide to Project Management

 

Project Management

Life as a project manager is comparable to a mountain climber's. The big difference being that when you get to the peak you find there is no safe way down. Whenever  I get really down, my wife reminds me that it takes one women nine months to have a baby and no matter how you try it is impossible to perform the same feat in one month by impregnating nine women. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining, the train was on time, the coffee tasted great for a change and Larry was smiling when I reached my desk. The only conclusion I could reach was that tragedy was imminent.
At 10:00 sharp Larry pulled me out of my office for an emergency meeting in the board room. Mr Sharp, the senior end-user, was the first to break the silence.
"I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant."
"But the specs clearly showed." I started but Larry cut me off.

Later in the day the KGB Committee convened.

The Taite Guide to Easy Jobs

 Easy Jobs

The nine  easiest jobs on the planet.

Originally I meant to list ten but it was too much like work.

9. Lifeguard at the baby pool. z z z z z z


8. The holy water fountain filler  in a Catholic Church.


7. Robin of Batman and Robin Fame: everyone knows Batman does all the work.


6. The Weatherman in Dubai:
     It will be hot today. It will be hot tomorrow. It will be hot the day after tomorrow. It will be...

The Taite Guide to English Greetings

English Greetings

The form of greeting used in the Anglo Saxon world has been the cause of great embarrassment for foreigners for generations. To help avoid future diplomatic incidents here, free of charge, is my foreigner's guide to English greetings.


1. How's it hanging? When you are accosted with this common greeting answering “Well thank you” is not the right response. Nor is it necessary to show your host how it is hanging, as this is considered to be in very bad taste, especially in a room full of people at a cocktail party. This tip can be ignored, of course by dark skinned foreigners or Afro-Americans who might well get away with displaying their worth and are likely to receive several discreet invitations for further international intercourse.

The Taite Guide to Obsolete Things

Obsolete Things

With a mobile phone always at your side, wristwatches become a pure fashion item. My daughter bought several designer watches in Thailand and wasn't at all worried by the fact that they would stop working after a couple of days. She had no intention of using them to tell the time. More and more items that were crucial to our very existence, only a few years ago, have now transformed into ornaments and collectors pieces. A home radio looks nice on the mantelpiece and there is no need to plug it in. Plastic flowers and artificial fish now replace the real thing. We plant patches of grass for our yard or patio and run gas or electric controlled furnaces to make us feel warm in winter. I have an expensive stereo HiFi system at home to which I attach my Ipod or notepad while the hundreds of disks remain hidden in the cabinet below. I used to have a whole room of encyclopedias but when I finally persuaded my wife that they were nothing but a dust trap and tried to give them away, there were no takers.  I read recently that an unnamed record company based in London invited a group of teenagers to listen to the music of several new singers and pop groups in an attempt to define the next big thing. After the session was over the company, in an act of appreciation,  layed out a large table of free music disks and encouraged the kids to take whatever they wanted. To their surprise the kids declined. The new generation has no use for a compact disc anymore. Go tell them about the era or vinyl records and you are suddenly very dated.
Ten years from now, what will be obsolete? Here are ten obsolete, or almost obsolete items that we wish still existed.

The Taite Guide to Ridiculous Celebrity Hotel Requests

Ridiculous Celebrity Hotel Requests

Sometimes You arrive at a hotel while on vacation and find that not everything is to your satisfaction. Perhaps the bed is too hard or the mirror too low or all the TV stations are in Italian (so what if you're in Venice at the time!).
Is it, therefore, any wonder that celebrities have needs also.
A Dublin, Ireland hotel is said to have refused to install a stripper pole for Britney Spears recently,but the London Dorchester had no problem supplying one.

Here are some of the more interesting requests hotel concierges have had to deal with over the years.

 Barbra Streisand – During a recent visit to London, Barbra Streisand made similar requests at two different hotels. These included rose petals in the toilet,  peach colored toilet tissue to match her complexion, and 120 designer bath towels, also in peach.

Mariah Carey insists a new toilet seat and gold faucets are installed in her hotel suite before she checks in. She flies in her own personal bed linens and must have enough of a certain kind of mineral water so she and her dog can bathe in it each day. Also, when on tour Mariah’s dressing room must contain one box of bendy straws, two air purifiers, puppies and kittens (oh dear Lord), an attendant to take her used chewing gum and Cristal champagne.
 

The Internet Guide to where babies come from

Q: Where do babies come from?

A: When Mom and Dad accidentally wash their underwear together a baby pops out of the machine.

A: Babies come from the watermelon seed that mom accidentally ate last summer and the seed grew inside her and became a watermelon, which explains why she had a big belly. Had mom spit out the watermelon seed like she usually does I wouldn't have a baby brother who takes up all of mom's time. Mom has learned now to spit out the watermelon seeds because she doesn't want to get a big belly again. I suggest that anyone who doesn't want to have a baby to not eat watermelons.

A: they come from a factory in the uterus forest where tiny elves go and and harvest sperm from the sticky trees. Next they offer the sperms to one of the Queen Eggs and she has them fight over her. When the strongest has killed all the others off. They go to the candy shop in the gum drop forest. And then fifty cent and lil wayne pop out looking like fairy creatures. They say a magical spell and the sperm worm goes into the magical egg........ Next the embryo is put into a stork where it lays an egg on the roof top of the hospital where your mother claims that you were born. The hospital staff then give it to your mother and she goes home...

The Taite Guide to Toilets

  Every time my wife and I go to a restaurant the first thing I do is order, the second thing is to seek out the men's room. It is one of the mysteries of life how men immediately see food and need to go whereas women can hold out for most of the day. It's almost as if they  took private lessons on a camel farm. I won't elaborate on that subject for fear of being called a chauvinist. The advantage of having to go so regularly is that you get exposed (no pun intended) to some of the most interesting loos in the world.

 

The competition of the best designed loo has become so great that a Thai restaurant owner decided to go all the way and open the Thailand toilet restaurant.
This Taipei restaurant might consider it a compliment to be called an outhouse as the Modern Toilet diner is one of chain of themed eateries appealing to largely young clientele with a toilet humor.

All 100 seats in the crowded diner are made from toilet bowls, not chairs. Sink faucets and gender-coded “WC” signs appear throughout the three-storey facility, one of 12 in an island-wide chain of eateries with a toilet theme.

Customers eat from mini plastic toilet bowls. They wipe their hands and mouths using toilet rolls hung above their tables, which may be glass-topped jumbo bathtubs.